I Wish I knew…

…where my point shoes are.

A strange statment, if you didn’t know I danced ballet for almost fourteen of my twenty years…every so often I get this yearning to go through some of my favourite exercises (and shudder at the extreme amount of ‘pop’s that they produce….) but since we moved in Sept, I have yet to come across the bag all that stuff is stored in…and I have a very heavy craving to go back to my roots at the moment.

I saw an old guy friend on the streetcar coming home tonight. He was with someone, his girlfriend, I assume, and I had to stop and think about how that actually made me feel. Here is someone I have known almost all my life, we were inseperable when we were younger, and then somewhere along the way, we got busy and fought (which I can Fully admit I started) and I never apologised, so we didn’t hang out any more after that. And it died. This was the guy who I was supposed to ‘marry’. Or at least end up dating at least once ;).
That never happened. And I’m not exactly sure why.

I have these images that float through my head all day – things that have been, that are and that could be. But there’s no order to them, no sense. And so I push them away and concentraite on other things, but then something like this happens and I have to stop and really think for a while.

I’ve never been like most of my friends, or at least the individuals who I grew up with and spent time with. There was always something ahead of me, some goal I knew I was reaching for, even if I didn’t always know What that goal was…or if it changed suddenly and I was left facing in a different direction, that didn’t bother me, because I was still going forwards. And now I appear to have stopped.

I’m struggling with what to go back to school for. I recognize the importance of having that damn peice of paper with my name on it and a few squiggles after it, but it doesn’t mean I like it any more than I did back in high school. I’m good at selling games and problem solving with a hefty side of good people skills and I love entertaining. So what the HELL is my problem in finding a program I want to take? It should be easy, right? Ugh.

I guess I feel that some parts of life are seriously passing me by. I WANT to make assistant manager before I go back to school next year, there’s no doubt about that. And don’t get me wrong, work is definatly not a peice of cake, there’s still a shitload for me to learn, which I constantly am, but there’s parts of my life that are taking, subsequently, a serious beating. No one that I grew up with, that I know of at least, does the gaming scene, to any degree that I”m aware of – so when I go out with friend’s who I’ve known my entire life, there’s a Huge gap in what I can actually talk about. I mean, I eat live and breath my job and halo. Uh…what else is there to talk about in my life? Not a shitload. I mean, fuck, I was really only dating my boyfriend to get certain people to shut up and because it was convinent. Says alot about me doesn’t it?

Le sigh. It’s been one of thoes days where I haven’t had enough to do, so I ended up thinking alot. And Me and thinking to not go together. Last time I did that I ended up deciding to forget university and to try and get a job at eb. Took me two months, but I did get hired. Gods only know where I’ll go with this line of thought…I’m just hoping it’ll go forwards from here…the meadow is pretty, but I wanna know what’s up that hill and around the corner….