“Get the Fuck of my Tail Splug.”

In 2010, I created a D&D character known as E’kai Komataree, a 4th Edition Dragonborn Paladin-then Warlord-then Hybrid Warlord/Paladin for a homebrew campaign.
What follows is E’kai’s personal journal which was originally started as a recap of the previous play session (we were only playing once a month), but then transitioned into a way for me to expand her character.

Our group of adventurers find a gate to another world and artifacts that bring forth memories of past lives…Destinies that have yet to be fulfilled.

The Goblin’s name is apparently SPLUG. I can only wonder at the rest of his family’s names.

At any rate, Splug has “detailed” several rooms on this floor for us, including the set belonging to the GOBLIN in charge, BALLGRAB. (I could make a decent guess at this favourite past time I bet.)
We have decided to ignore him for the moment, and clear out the dig site as indicated on SPLUG’s map. Of course, SPLUG doesn’t know what it is that they were digging for, nor did he ever thing to ask. I seriously question his mental capacity. I personally suspect that if it is anything like what we saw being excavated outside the waterfall, that having the Goblins in charge of whatever it is, it will only provide more resistance for us. I am not one to back down from a challenge, but why try to beat your head against a brick wall?

We managed to make our way without any surprises down the black corridor to the dig site, and I transferred SPLUG to CALLISTA the SORCERESS’s oversight, in case of any attacks against my own personage were scored. I suspect we will need him again, while we remain down here, though what we will do with him once we’re finished, I know not. We can’t exactly allow him to run around unauthorized, and I doubt, if his previous incarceration is any evidence, that he would be able to become a productive member of any normal society…

As CALLISTA took him, I over heard her coyly say that he should help her, or else she would touch him inappropriately. Tieflin slut.

The fight also concerned me – not because it was difficult or anything, but because it pit me against my own kind. I have heard many a tale of DRAKES turning against Dragonborn but never before have I experience this myself. They maybe a lesser race, but to turn against their own cousins? Even their puny little life formed minds should rebel at the thought – just further proof at how wrong things have become.

Once we’d finished fighting, we, well, I transferred SPLUG back to my waist. I don’t trust Callista to keep her hands to herself. The WIZARD E’EE (what a strange name…) found a spell on one of the Goblin corpses with which he could enchant my sword to grant us light. We paused, deciding where to go next, peering down a previously unseen corridor which seemed to lead to a cavern while the others collected themselves. The idiotic Rogue and Paladin were drinking healing brews and binding wounds. Both of them had managed to misjudge a simple gap and had fallen almost a story in height and then taken additional damage while they lay incapacitated.

I expected no better from Immeral but Corrina seriously deserves to be brought down a level or two…arrogant bastard. Bitch. Goddamn it!

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What happened next is something I must reflect on further.
Deciding we were unwilling to leave our backs unprotected against a known enemy while we investigated what down the new corridor was making an odd rattling noise, we turned our attentions to the GOBLIN LEADER, BALLGRAB. SPLUG had indicated that there was a hidden passageway that lead from the corridor we currently stood in, directly to the creature’s bedroom.

After some redundant arguments about who should go first, Corrina and E’ee moved surprisingly quietly down the small hallway and into position at the foot of the disgusting thing’s bed. Corrina raised her crossbow and fired, but the bolt went way wide. As I rolled my eyes and pushed my way into the room to try and prevent the inevitable bloody brawl, E’ee lifted his hand and there was a simultaneous flash of fire from his outreached hand and a blazing white light exploded from Corrina’s crossbow. Suitably impressed, I turned to commend them for such excellence, but the look of utter shock on both their faces was enough for me to believe they had no idea what had happened either. Fluke or not, BALLGRAB was disposed of and Corrina, Immeral and I made quick work of the room’s only other occupant, a GOBLIN guard literally caught with his pants down, mouth agape at what we’d just done. SPLUG claims the guard was looking at porn (ewwwwwwww!!) and begged and whined and cried to be allowed to keep it. (Again, ewwwwwwwwwww.) I picked it up by a corner of it’s cover and wrapped it in some extra cloth found in the Ranger’s Quiver, and then had him store the entire thing. If SPLUG continues to prove to be useful, perhaps he can have it as a…reward. Ew.

As I was handling the…porn, E’ee and Corrina had dived into BALLGRAB’s personal footlocker, and while there was no objection to E’ee helping himself to a new want, ELDAAR the RANGER raised loud objections to Corrina helping herself to ALL the gold the chest contained. The two of them are truly no better than children.

Moving out of the bedroom, we found ourselves in a small anti-room with two branching corridors, with doors on each corridor. A small group of GOBLINS who appeared to be playing cards were quickly dispatched, when ELDAAR opened his mouth and began once again to loudly complaining to any and all that Corrina be made to share the gold from BALLGRAB’s foot locker. Before I could knock their heads together as Corrina started to pipe up in reply, the doors in each of the hallways were thrown open, and we found ourselves surrounded. The traitorous and cowardly Corrina fled back to BALLGRAB’s chamber, leaving us to fight the GOBLINS pouring out of both rooms. She better hope I don’t get my hands on her when we’re done, or else she’ll be hanging upside down by her right ankle in the iron maiden in the torture room.

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Callista has managed to return order to the group at least momentarily by getting the Rogue and Ranger to ‘kiss and make up’, provided that we split the compiled gold amongst ourselves fairly. (The little we’ve found we’ve been storing in Eldaar’s quiver, keeping a running tally every night and morning, to ensure that no one is stealing – not that this practice has stopped Corrina from leveling the accusations against Eldaar and myself. The Elf I understand, I wouldn’t trust him either, but to accuse me? The girl clearly has a death wish.

Silly, materialistic creatures. Elves and Halfings are absolutely useless races.