A conversation I had the other night with Eric on the ride home has been rolling around in my mind, and it coincides nicely with a blog idea I’ve been thinking about for a while. We were returning from the annual gdgt Seattle event where Eric had introduced me to the lovely @Veronica Belmont, fellow Bride, and well established blogger. Eric made a comment on the drive how he knew I didn’t like to really blog, and that when I did write, it seems like I don’t want anyone to read what I’d written.
It really surprised me he thought that, as isn’t the case at all, but unlike Veronica and other established bloggers, I find myself often in awkward places with my entries.
I haven’t been able to find a single passion that I overwhelmingly want to chronicle or write about. I do believe that if you can’t say anything nice, then just don’t say it. I’m not talking about not expressing an opinion, but a lot of my time is spent dealing directly with people, in what can be intensely emotional situations – a direct product of the passion and dedication involved. I would never commit to paper what I feel in the heat of frustration or anger, because not only is this the Internet where things are cashed immediately upon posting, but you cannot hear the intonation the person has written the statements with in their heads – no matter what, you WILL misinterpret something.
Following that same general idea line, as I discovered while putting together my resume these last few days: I have my fingers in a number of pies, centered around gaming sure, but the groups I’m associated with are intensely different and incredibly time consuming. When several hours a day are already spent responding to emails and private messages for groups where I’m volunteering my time, to then begin to think of another writing “exercise”, even if it’s for myself only? Yeah, not so appealing.
And like Eric, I specifically stay away from blogging about the games I play, and what my “review” of them would be – see previous comments about written things on the Internet. By nature of who I am morally, who I’m in a relationship with and what industry I want to make my career in, it simply doesn’t seem prudent to pass judgement on someone else’s work, even in what would only be meant in a constructive way, because I’m intensely aware of how much time, energy and passion is put into making a game, too many people I know and care about are game devs/designers for me *not* to have an intense appreciation for the whole process.
Finally, I tend to get trapped in my own head when I’m writing or planning to do so. Sounds odd, but I think it’s a product of being an actor and an only child. The actor side taught me to plan things out mentally, so even when I was improving, I could keep a handle on what hat been said, and the possible ways the scene could pan out, therefore allowing me to respond more naturally. I like the head space in which I Live in, don’t get me wrong, but it is occasionally sobering to realize exactly how much time I spend in there.
I had a great group of friends growing up, because I spent so much time in dance classes or on a film set when I was young I got very used to having to sit quietly by myself, with only myself for amusement – not like there were smart phones back then that you could slip out of your pocket between takes. Consequently, when I start thinking about a blog, if I don’t have the opportunity to immediately write down the idea, start with a rough outline, or actually sit to write the full thing, I’ll have it completely written out in my head within minutes – and then feel like I shouldn’t bother actually writing it down because I’ve already resolved the “itch” to get it out there – normally while also being super productive, putting away laundry or doing dishes. Just not useful in developing my writings voice as it were.
I remember as a kid not enjoying the aspect of writing stories, which caused no end of trouble at school. It wasn’t that I couldn’t be creative, I had that in spades. I just simply refused to use more words then necessary to describe something. Why bother to describe a day as a “lazy mid-afternoon filled with the mild hum of the birds, bees and the sound of electricity as it passed through its wires, the occasional excited squawking squeal of a child as they are tagged out of their innocently youthful games the only break in the pall…” when I could simply say “it was hot and loud.” To the young me, the latter was simply good enough, and my personal journals (Blog? Whats that? Internet?! Huh?) from that period of my life are filled with frustrated, inane and boring dribble of a young person who spent too much time alone, writing by flashlight at 1:30am, certainly not the record of my life as I was growing up that my mother seemed to think would magically appear, the longer I worked at it.
That mentality continued to pervade my writing habits until I was introduced to good written fantasy and its verbose descriptions. By then however, I was putting all my energies into my performances, and with the exceptions of monologues, I had very few opportunities (or the desire to pursue) stretch myself in creative writing. Why hack at it when others were so much better?
It wasn’t until I started playing Dungeons and Dragons formally that I rediscovered I could write well in character, much to the delight of our DM who assigned me the task of officially recording our travels, both ingame in a special book, as well as via the above linked site as other players in the game snared that they couldn’t see what I was writing about them. Bitchy Dragonborn hybrid Warrior Paladins are fun to write, in case anyone was curious.
In closing, barring a job that has me writing about specific topics, my blogging will most likely continue to be a hodgepodge of topics, liberally spread between crafty and random mental musings, and I don’t think I have a problem with that. I don’t write for anyone now but myself, and those who choose to explore the endless depths of my mind. If you want to come along with me, you’re more then welcome to do so, but may I suggest walking softly and carrying a soft prodding stick? Just for my own safety, you understand. 🙂